


the story that hurts less

by SandM1827



Series: AK One Shots [3]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 07:09:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15601008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandM1827/pseuds/SandM1827
Summary: "You didn't want him to be your dad. You wanted him to want to be your dad."





	the story that hurts less

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd.  
> Set after 3x10.

Deran didn't run away after revealing to Smurf that she'd been right about Billy. He left the house, sure, but it was only to return to the bar, to do his job, to serve drinks until closing, if only to keep himself busy. It was when the last patron had left and his staff had gone home for the night and he was suddenly alone that Billy's betrayal hit him like a ton of bricks.  
  
Tears had welled in his eyes against his will, his breath caught in his throat. He tried to push it away, push it down, but it was useless. The anger and grief had settled over him and all he could think to do was reach out to the one person who could always calm his nerves, who could pull him out of his head.  
  
_**NEW MESSAGE TO:**_ **A** **DRIAN** **:** come over.  
_**NEW MESSAGE TO:**_ **A** **DRIAN:** please.  
  
Adrian was walking through the door less than ten minutes later-- not bad timing seeing as he lived twenty minutes away. There was no need for words, for greetings beyond a silent nod as Deran locked up the bar. Once things were properly secured, he led Adrian through his office and up the ladder to his makeshift bedroom.  
  
Adrian kicked off his shoes and sat up with his back against the wall. Deran followed suit, toeing off his sneakers and curling up on the mattress, his head resting on Adrian's thigh. Still, he didn't speak, only inhaled Adrian's natural scent and let the other man's presence soothe him.  
  
There were many roles Adrian played in Deran's life long before they became lovers. He was his friend, his confidant, the gatekeeper, and the caregiver. He was the one Deran sought out for comfort, for solace. Even as small children Deran would gravitate into Adrian's space, would whisper his secrets into the other boy's ear, trusting that they would never pass through his lips.  
  
"Tell me." Adrian urged him, as he gently carded fingers through Deran’s mussed hair.  
  
"Billy's gone," Deran murmured, tears stinging his eyes. "He cleared out my safe and just bailed."  
  
"I'm sorry," Adrian said softly. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I knew this was going to happen, you know. As soon as he showed up, I knew he was just here for something and it sure as hell wasn't me," He'd promised himself that he wouldn't let Billy in, wouldn't let him get too close, that he wouldn't feel anything for his estranged father. In the end, it was just another broken promise he made. "It wouldn't be so bad if he hadn't...if he hadn't said...."  
  
"Said what?"  
  
"He said, when I was a baby, he took me with him when he left. Said he only gave me back when Smurf had gotten the feds involved, or threatened to get them involved," Deran sniffled, toying absently with a loose thread on Adrian's jeans. "But Smurf said he called her a few hours after he took me, told her she could have me back for a million dollars, but he settled for a couple hundred bucks and some smack."  
  
"You believe her?" Adrian asked, using his free hand to rub circles on Deran's back. "She's not a reliable narrator anymore than he is."  
  
"She's the devil I know," As much as he hated to admit it, he did trust his mother when it came to some things. "Smurf only tells the truth when she knows it'll hurt."  
  
"Which is exactly why she'd lie to you about it if Billy had taken you with the intent to keep you. It only serves to futher taint your view of him," Adrian acknowledged, keeping his tone flat, even. "You can't trust either of their stories."  
  
"So I should live with uncertainty?"  
  
"You should choose to believe the story that hurts less," Adrian advised him. "It's okay to believe Billy wanted to keep you, Deran. You're allowed to believe your dad wanted to take you away from Smurf, to raise you away from all this shit. You're allowed to believe it, because you can't know if it's really not true."  
  
"He's a heroin addict, has been since long before I was born," That fact alone destroyed whatever fantasy he could dream up by believing Billy wanted him. "He could have wanted me, but kids are expensive. He probably would have wound up selling me to some crack dealer so he could score."  
  
"Or, he could have cleaned himself so he could be a real father to you, the one you deserved to have," Adrian reasoned, conjuring up a nicer childhood for Deran than the one he had. "You can't know what he would or would not have done. You can decide for yourself."  
  
"I don't want to decide anything about him," He didn't want to think about what could have beens or Billy ever again. "I just want to forget he was ever here, that I ever met him. I want to forget that I ever wanted him to be whatever the hell he wanted me to think he was."  
  
"Your not a kid anymore, Deran. You don't need some guy to teach you how to throw a ball or give you life lessons. You didn't want him to be your dad," Adrian remarked, voice hard with conviction. "You wanted him to want to be your dad. You wanted a parent who wanted to be one, one that would give you love and affection and comfort, and give it to you freely, because a child shouldn't have to earn that from a parent. You wanted him to want to be your dad."  
  
"I guess that was too much to ask," Deran mumbled, brushing a stray tear from his face. "God, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Smurf and Pope always said he was a bastard and I believed them...I thought I believed them."  
  
"You know, despite all the shit thrown at us by the parents we did grow up knowing, I think, in our heads, we created these idealized versions of the ones who weren't around." Adrian mused thoughtfully. "Like, they bailed on us, we know that, we were reminded of it constantly growing up, but maybe it wasn't because they didn't want us. Maybe they had a good reason for going."  
  
"When we were kids and I'd get mad at Smurf, I liked to think she paid my dad to stay away because she didn't want any competition," It was a story that made the most sense at the time, that brought him comfort when he was feeling worthless in his mother's eyes. "I liked to think he'd come back for me one day, shove the money in Smurf's face and take me away."  
  
"We want them to want us, so we make excuses for them and create these fictional versions where one day they swoop in and apologize for never being there and tell us how much they love us, because its easier than accepting the truth." Adrian sighed, gnawing on his bottom lip as he gathered his thoughts. "The reality is, for whatever reason, they don't love us. They're selfish and they're cruel, and that's not our fault."  
  
"I think I liked your 'believe what you want to belive' fantasy world thing better," Deran quipped halfheartedly. "It seems nicer than them just being everything everyone always said they were."  
  
"They got raw end of the deal when they walked away, Deran," Adrian rallied on undeterred. "It's their loss, because they didn't get the chance to know us, to see us grow up, and they don't get to take credit for who we are."  
  
"And who are we?" Deran questioned, rolling onto his back to gaze up at Adrian. "The owner of a dive bar, and a wannabe pro surfer?"  
  
"Hey, we’re more than that," Adrian flicked Deran's ear as he continued. "The point is, we turned out okay and we did that without them."  
  
"Just okay?"  
  
"You’re the owner of a dive bar and I'm a wannabe pro surfer, dude," Adrian shrugged, unimpressed by their accomplishments, or lack their of. "As it stands, 'okay' is as good as it gets.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.”


End file.
